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Vampires
VAMPIRES are undead neck-suckers, much like a combination between a zombie and your mom last night. On top of that, they drink blood, and can TRANSFORM INTO A FREAKING BAT. Under the guise of a bat, they hang from ceilings, terrorizing tourists, hikers, and Batman. Origins: Vampirism has been with us almost since the dawn of man, when Cain, after being bitten by a radioactive bat, brutally stabbed and killed his brother Abel in the middle of the night, and promptly filled a bathtub with his brother's blood and had a bitchin' party with all the rest of the people that decided to wander near the radioactive bat factory. After that, they went on a neck-biting spree, which sounds a lot sexier than you would imagine. They would fly out in the middle of the night, camouflaged against the black sky, and seduce young women before biting them. Then, the young women themselves turn into creatures of the night. Centuries of biting young women was detrimental to the vampire society, as suddenly what few men that were left were under the control of a bunch of blood-sucking bitches. And while girl-on-girl blood sucking action from lesbian vampires was hot, the males needed to gain dominance. And so, the vampires swallowed their pride and, for the only time in history, became as a whole totally ghey. This was a dark period for vampire-kind. This great crisis quickly resolved itself, though, as the lesbian vampires soon discovered that they were bisexual, leading to even hotter vampire threesomes, which rose the vampire population by half. The Middle Ages: Eventually, the vampire's venom flowed into the blood of nobles. This drew the vampires out from their dark, dank caves and into dark, dank castles. These castles, of course, were the slickest bachelor pads around back then, and thus, total pussy magnets. As populations soared, these castles were used to hold gigantic vampire orgies. This continued on, well over 500 years. Van Helsing: Unfortunately for the vampires, but fortunately for those that admire awesome climactic battles, humankind started learning about the weaknesses of the undead. As it turns out, vampires are nearly immortal, besides the little minor detail that they'll keel over (again) when stabbed in the heart with a stake. Luckily, most humans are morons. Instead, vampires around this time helped themselves to both human flesh and a rather generously-sized steak. That is, until this badass mofo showed up... ABRAHAM VAN HELSING This badass had a taste for vampire flesh, and he never rested until his tastes were satiated. Armed with a bottle of holy water and a wooden stake only slightly longer than his massive cock, he hacked and stabbed his way all across Europe, killing every vampire and banging every woman that crossed his path. Such notable conquests include Count Dracula, Oscar Wilde, and Gregori Rasputin. This is probably why vampires are mostly silent today. Modern times: Vampires eventually took the flight across the Atlantic ocean (thanks to Charles Lindbergh foolishly leaving the keys in the plane when he arrived in France) and established a few small colonies in America. While largely silent, the ones that have acted up are quickly silenced by Joss Whedon and his apprentice, Buffy. FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO ARE VAMPIRES: *Oscar Wilde *Gregori Rasputin *Count Dracula *Count Von Count *Nosferatu *Blacula *Elvis Presley *John F Kennedy *Napoleon Bonaparte *Thomas Jefferson *Angelina Jolie Category:People